Discovering God

Confidence

/ Whitney / 9 Comments

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. ~Philippians 1:6

I grabbed my partner’s arm at the back of the ballroom. We walked slowly to the front of the room, all eyes on us. We parted ways when we reached the officiant at the top of the aisle. As I walked to my designated position, my red full-length gown flowing around me, gracefully sweeping the floor, shoulders and neck complimented by a sweetheart neckline, I heard someone whisper “she’s pretty.”

And it wasn’t just the whispered compliment, though that was nice. It was more than that. In the months and weeks leading up to my cousin’s wedding, I had been trying to eat well and workout regularly, mindful that I had already had my final fitting for my bridesmaid’s dress, and that this was do-or-die time, and there was no room to put on any inches. And because of my efforts, I had to admit, I looked good in my dress. Thank you, Jesus. But it was more than that.

A week before the wedding, I had gotten my hair done. I had chosen to have my hair styled in a braided up-do for the event. I usually wear my hair in a tight Afro, with very little shape, might I add, and I wanted to do something different and a little dramatic for the wedding. So I had my hair braided and it was really beautiful. The style took some years off my face while adding a flair of elegance to my everyday style. It was a nice hair style. Thank you, Jesus. But it was more than that.

I had gotten my face done by a professional makeup artist. And although I didn’t have time to get lashes like I really wanted, my face was definitely painted differently with some pinks and hues that I don’t usually use. And I liked the finished product. My lips, cheeks, eyes, nose and mouth all painted to perfection for my cousin’s big day. I felt beautiful. Thank you, Jesus. But it was more than that.

I felt confidence–the kind of confidence that comes from a woman who knows that she has been touched, changed by her Lord. I walked with my bare shoulders squared and head held high because I was sure of who I was. I was sure of who God had made me to be: His.

For the first time that I can remember I didn’t jealously compare myself to the droves of other beautiful women in the room. I was too busy hugging and playing with my kids and husband whom I hadn’t seen in a few days because of wedding prep. I was talking and laughing with my family and the other bridesmaids. I was enjoying the blessings that God had given me.

And I used to be that girl. I would always compare myself to other women–always. I was never as pretty as the next woman. My nose was always too big. I was pretty, but… There was always a but. I used to always define myself by what I wasn’t. I wasn’t cool like this woman I knew. I wasn’t as stylish as this other woman I knew. I didn’t attract the attention of men and have them eating out of my palm like this other woman I knew. I was never enough–for myself or anybody else. And I stayed this way even when I dated, married and had kids. That was how I saw myself. I was never enough. I was never confident enough.

And then I had an encounter with the Lord. Through months of intense worship and prayer and time with God (see my previous posts), He showed me who I am: His. The Lord showed me that I am enough because He’s more than enough. It was as if, through those times of devotion and worship and prayer, he wiped the dirt of insecurity and low self-esteem off of my face, held a mirror in front of me, and showed me that I actually looked like Him. And I was beautiful in His sight–and finally my own. It is amazing what God will do when we give Him the room to do it.  Add in a good ol’ fashioned prayer of deliverance from my old mindset (shout out to my work BFF for that), and here I am, a changed woman. A confident woman. God’s woman. And it feels so good.

When the Bottom Falls Out

/ Whitney / Leave a comment

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~Romans 15:13

I have been through a lot of challenges in my life lately. Some of which, quite frankly, have left me on my knees before the Father asking for and seeking revival and renewal. He is answering that prayer, and to watch him put the pieces of my life back together is simply amazing. And as the pieces fall into place, I am discovering a new life. I am discovering joy.

Before now, I never really got it. Church folk would always say “the joy of the Lord is my strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10). And just like any good Lord-lovin’ churchgoer, I would recite the verse and keep it moving in my busy life, too busy to notice or even care that I had no idea what it really meant to be strengthened by God’s joy.

I mean sure, the joy of the Lord was my strength, but I had coworkers at the job who made me smile and laugh. I was happy. I had my kids who’d act like goofballs at times and say funny things that would make me smile. I was happy. I’d go out to dinner with my girlfriends from time to time, that would make me happy. I didn’t need the joy of the Lord, per se, because, you know, I was happy.

But then my life took a turn, and in one crushing blow, I found myself at 32 years old, living back with my parents, with two kids,  no husband (we had separated), and staring down the barrel of divorce. Suddenly I was driving four hours per day in the car to get the kids to school, myself to work, the kids from school, and all three of us back to my parents’ house, which was an hour from their daycare. I was not happy. I cried often. I didn’t eat. My life had come to a screeching halt, and I didn’t know what to do.

So I went to therapy. Thank you, Jesus for therapy. And in one of my sessions my therapist gave me a book by Elizabeth George called “A Woman’s Walk with God: Growing in the Fruit of the Spirit.”  And my concept of joy changed. Not instantaneously, but it did change.

How could I smile, I’d ask myself, with the threat of divorce looming over my head. How could I smile with my kid telling me she didn’t want to go to the grandparents’ after school, that she wanted to go home and see her daddy. How could I have this joy when I felt abandoned and betrayed by the only man I had ever loved?

And then it was almost as if God just showed me who He was. Through the daily sludge of getting up each day, and falling to my knees each night, I came to understand that because I knew Jesus, because I had a real and growing relationship with Him, everything was going to be OK. I didn’t feel like everything was going to be OK at the time. But I had to know, deep down inside, that I was going to be OK. I had to know that I could make it through each day, putting one foot in front of the other, because Jesus was with me.

I knew the Lord and He gave me peace in my mind. I knew the Lord, and He gave me strength to get in bed at night, in a room that wasn’t mine, in a house that wasn’t home. I knew the Lord, and He gave me the ability to think straight, to function, even when my life had fallen apart all around me. I knew the Lord and He gave me joy.

It wasn’t a running, happy, leaping, hysterical laughing joy. Yeah, no.  My household had just been torn in two. It wasn’t that. Things were bad. But it was a joy that kept me calm. I was able to have lunch and laugh and crack jokes with my coworkers. I was able to counsel my clients on their cases and make court appearances without crying or shrieking or falling to the floor on my knees and ripping my tights. I was able to take my kids to the playground by myself, where I would see other two-parent families playing happily with their kids, and not go to pieces. I was able to keep pumping and provide nourishment for my infant son. I was able to live because the Lord kept me. He gave me joy.

The Lord helped me embrace his peace. He helped me decide that despite the tragedy that I was experiencing, I would embrace his peace and strength. I found the Lord’s joy to be the ability to function normally when things were far from normal. And that lesson, that joy, has been one of the greatest gifts. Thanks, Jesus.

And for those of you wondering, no, my husband and I did not divorce. We are back together and better than we’ve ever been. The Lord’s doing, naturally. (And also supernaturally). Perhaps more on that at another time. The journey to reconciliation was just as important as getting there.  And in that journey, I found the Lord. I found joy.